When I shared we were expecting, I asked if you guys would be interested in hearing some of the things I tried to do why trying to get pregnant to help me stay in a positive headspace.
It took us twice as long to get pregnant this time as it did with Hudson, and I wasn’t expecting that. I know that everyone’s journey to becoming (or choosing not to become) a parent is unique, and this is only my experience. I know someone always has it harder, and that quite frankly… stinks. I hate that. But whatever you’re going through feels hard to you, and that is worth acknowledging.
While I chose to keep our second journey to expanding our family private until I was 18 weeks pregnant, I was secretly keeping notes of the things I did that helped me, in hopes to eventually share it with other girls who may need that same spirit boost that I certainly needed during those months.
Let’s dive into the 10 things that helped me stay patient and positive while trying to get pregnant –
Music. I had days when listening to this song while driving with tears running down my cheeks was like a quick therapy session. Find the tunes that motivate you, bring you peace. And when your cycle starts… blast that song. I also loved Father Stretch.
A sweet reader struggling to conceive emailed me that she listens to Million Little Miracles. Whew! I had grateful tears running down my cheeks with this one.
Sitting with quotes and motivational words. I’m going to share some here, including a collage that I used as the background of my phone (and it’s still there!). And do yourself a favor and follow Morgan Harper Nichols.
Devotionals, time with scripture and kneeling at the bench in our bedroom daily to pray out loud. I don’t think I ever did this without needing a tissue, but boy did it bring me peace.
Find a few friends you can be honest with. And it will likely be other women in your life who also weren’t able to get pregnant in a snap. They get it, they’ve been there, and they’ll know how to support you in the ways you need to be supported.
Be truthful with your MD. After a period of time of trying on our own, I made an appointment with my OBGYN to request some bloodwork. Thankfully everything looked normal, but she knew my concerns and desired family plan and we were able to work together on that shared goal. Shortly thereafter I did become pregnant and I think being open and honest with your doctor is incredibly important. If you don’t feel like they’re hearing you, it might be time to research another doctor who will really listen and connect with you.
Give yourself 1-2 days to be sad and then carry on and come up with your next plan. One thing I’ve learned through my time in therapy (more about that here) is that is healthy and good for you to feel your feelings. To feel the sadness, the disappointment, the grief. Allowing yourself to sit in those feelings is not shameful and you should not feel guilty for being a human being with emotions and dreams. Feel it. Cry, feel sad for yourself, take a nap, sleep in if you can, do what you need to do.
And then, put your chin up and look forward to trying again. You have a few weeks until you get to try again and focus on staying healthy, positive and hopeful to a new cycle and opportunity.
Focus on the benefits of NOT being pregnant! Because girl… they are there. You have energy, you can fit into all of your clothes (and bras!), cocktails, wine, sushi, an Italian sub sandwich, using any skincare or retinol you want, getting Botox, being able to button your jeans. Trust, these are all things pregnant women are envious of.
Limit social media. If it wasn’t my job, I would have temporarily stayed off of social media. That part really, really sucked. I am on my phone a lot because of the nature of my career, so I had to utilize the mute feature to hide content of other pregnant gals or those with newborns just to protect my own mental space.
Don’t be afraid to delete the apps or mute people that stir up hard feelings (even if it’s me – I understand!). It’s important to recognize what helps you be your best self, and sometimes these boundaries are truly necessary for our hearts and heads.
Each month I realized it was a no go, I would just tell myself that wasn’t my baby. This is a little easier to do if you already have a child, but Hudson is so… uniquely himself and meant to be in our family. When I look at him, I have no doubts that it had to be him. And because of that, I told myself it was worth it to wait for our baby. There’s one sperm meeting one egg to create your baby. And trust me, that little person is worth the wait.
Humor and comedy. When I was down, I would get on Tik Tok for an hour. I would get in stitches laughing so hard, often to tears. For you, this may mean a stand up show, comedy movie, watching people fall at ice skate rinks (or is that just me?), whatever makes you laugh. But there’s a reason people say “laughter is the best medicine.” Because it does have some power to heal sadness, however small… it still helps!
And lastly, for those of you this resonates with, try to remember that there are so many women who are walking in your shoes right now. And many with healthy, happy children who went through the same struggles and feelings to get to them.
You are not alone.
Someone out there has felt the exact same feelings, shed the same tears, seen the same negative tests, had the same conversations with their partner and doctor. They got through it and you will too, and you will be stronger, more sensitive to others and ultimately more grateful for your baby because of it.
Sending love and the biggest hugs. For more family-related content, you can find it filed under “lifestyle –> marriage & family” at the top of this site. Thank you so much for reading – XO –
As a woman WELL past child-bearing age, I think your tips for wellness here apply to anyone and everyone! There’s so many struggles and so much pain in the world these days — thank you for sharing. xo Heidi
These are really good tips! It took over a year to conceive our second, with a loss during that time, and being frank with my MD was the thing that helped the most. She assured me that there’s always one more thing we could try to get pregnant. And while it might take some time, she’d be there to help me get baby #2. And we did! Placing things in God’s hands eased my spirit and calmed me, and talking openly with my doc made it make sense.
Thank you for this! Currently trying in a similar situation to yours, and it’s nice just hearing that others share these feelings (although you know in your head that’s true, something about actually hearing from others makes it feel more real, ya know?), and these tips are helpful!
Kathleen, this is so so good! I personally have PCOS and should not be able to get pregnant on my own according to many doctors. Despite that, we have on 2.5 year old daughter and I am 12 weeks with #2, both ow which are spontaneous conceptions with no medical help (though they each took over a year of trying). God is so good! I am so happy for you and your little family. Thank you for sharing your tips and experiences. They will undoubtedly help so many who are in the same place!
Thanks for your honesty! Also, as you wait for a little one it’s important to take care of your physical health and nutrition. Go for a walk and eat a balance of protein, fat and carbs (along with your prenatal as an added insurance policy if you will).
Thank you so much for sharing! I really resonated with you when you said, “Whatever you’re going through feels hard for you…” I was a secondary fertility momma and I felt so guilty struggling with my emotions during that time. Thankfully I had a girlfriend who said something very similar to what you did and it really helped me navigate through the ups and downs. Wishing you the best and congratulations again!!
thank you for this. In 2021 ive had 2 miscarriages with no living children and it has been so hard to stay positive. These are things I knew inherently to do but it helps to see them together in one spot. Bookmarking to read on hard days and holding out for our own Hudson. Favorite internet baby btw!
This post is so great! As someone who struggled for years to get pregnant with my children, I appreciate your sensitivity to others and advice. Thank you for being so kind and honest!
And, of course, congratulations!
As a mom currently going through this, your words are spot on. This brought me tears – mostly from feeling understood and hopeful. Thank you for sharing your experience and such helpful ideas! Congratulations on baby number two!
As someone who is pregnant with an IVF baby – after trying for 18 months, we started “celebrating” every month it didn’t work (pre-IVF). Sushi, Italian subs, and a week of hardcore peloton workouts. It was so hard, but so happy to be past it and knowing that so many others go through it always made me feel less alone. So excited for Hudsons little sibling!
I did this too and it was a huge help!
We had our second boy last summer. It took us 2 years to get him, but he is the perfect fit for our little family! We didn’t tell anyone we were trying to conceive in case it wasn’t meant to be we wouldn’t have people asking all the time. Your tips are so spot on & I would say the biggest thing I would do is find joy & peace, even after another failed month. It really helped my mentality. Since we did have a wonderful, healthy child already I felt if God chose not to give us another, we have been blessed with the one we had. I have health issues so felt lucky to have gone through not one, but 2 healthy pregnancies in the end. We decided after the second we were done( my husband didn’t want to be outnumbered ) & even though neither came quickly we feel so blessed with the family we have! Thanks for sharing your story! Sometimes I feel like all my friends & family it just came so quickly for them all so it’s comforting to hear stories from other women who went through the same things as you! ❤️❤️
As someone who ended up going through IVF in the end and now I am 6 months pregnant with our miracle, I can totally relate to a lot of this. Thank you for being open, honest, and sharing. Congrats to you guys, so happy for you!
Congratulations and God continue to Bless you and your family. I am 62 year old mom of a 28 year old son and your advise is perfect for any struggle in life. I follow you because you are “perfect”, wonderful and a beautiful person with a loving family. You are loved. Thank you for sharing and helping us all. ✝️❤️
Thank you for sharing this. My son was born on the exact same date as yours in 2019, and we have been trying to conceive since he was 9 months old. I thought we had hit the jackpot when we got pregnant quickly with our second baby last December but then I lost the baby at 12 weeks in February and we have had no luck since. It has singlehandedly been the hardest time we have ever gone through and every month is harder, I feel more so since the loss. I hope to be as lucky as you soon.
Thank you for sharing! As my journey with my second was easier than our first, it’s still so helpful to hear people talk about it. And to your prior post thank you for sharing the not so exciting or ups of pregnancy ( nausea!)
Hi Kathleen,
Thank you for sharing. I too struggled to get pregnant, it took my husband and I thirteen months to conceive. During that time I struggled mentally but a few things I did that I believe really had an impact was I remembered to give myself grace during that time. I told myself not to be so hard on myself it was nothing I was doing wrong. I blocked out negative people and got rid of my social media. I also got back into running outside, I had stopped doing it for a while. I love running and the positive energy running gave me was amazing. I also cleaned up my diet, I gave up sweets and fried food while to some this may sound stupid or crazy but overall I felt better mentally and physically. Lastly, I too found comfort in talking to a few close friends that also struggled to get pregnant. We would go on weekly walks just to vent our frustrations to each other. Thank you again for sharing.
Michelle
It is so nice to go through something like this and realize you really aren’t alone. I am finally pregnant after having a miscarriage and I did all of those tips. It was hard because it felt like everyone around me was announcing they were pregnant with twins but we stayed positive and just reminded myself it’s more time with my first little one 🙂
Biggest hugs and congrats!! Thank you for sharing your light, experience and wisdom with us all. Xx
Loves you for sharing your tips!!!
Girl! I’m out here trying to re-enter the work force as an attorney after being home with my little for 2 years and it’s INSANE how applicable and thus how much I needed to hear all of these things. I’d consider sharing some of the same material in a more “while you’re waiting” post. We’re all probably waiting for a big something: love, work, babies. It’s all connected. Thanks. Xoxo
Thank you so much for sharing this! I have followed you for many years and have had a tough time keeping pregnancies. It’s always hard whenever I hear someone else announce their pregnancy, and your choice to include your struggles help ease that twinge of pain. Thanks for your vulnerability and I wish you and your family the best!
You are amazing – thank you so much for sharing. It’s inspiring and encouraging to hear how other women have dealt with setbacks in starting a family. I’ve had two miscarriages this year (no kids yet) and praying so hard for our rainbow baby. I know when he/she comes, it will be worth the wait. Thank you for your vulnerability, honesty, and encouragement. It’s amazing seeing women come together to help one another.
Secondary infertility momma here, I definitely used some of the same tips you described to keep my sanity while trying to convince. I would also say finding a group of friends either in person or online going through infertility was also super helpful. Being able to talk to them, relate to them and not worry about will meaning but unintentional hurtful comments was a huge help. Another thing that helped was getting professional help once our insurance would allow it (after trying for 1 year), getting the answers from tests and professionals helped allowed me and my husband to get our love life back and leave the baby making to god and the doctors 🙂
What a lovely and insightful post. Many years ago I used Clomid to help me conceive and luckily it worked both times. I waited until age 34 to start trying… and both my daughters (now age 26 and 29) are in no hurry to get married/have babies, so I know their path to conception may be a little bumpy, too. (Eventually! No pressure here!!) Anyway, I’ll refer them to your tips if the need should arise. Thank you for helping so many people through this very emotional process. PS Hudson is pure delight, love seeing him flourish through life!! ❤️
I have a little boy who shares the same birth date as Hudson. He will be 2 as well and we want another. It’s not as easy this time around. Thank you for sharing your heart and each one of these are so helpful! Thank you, thank you!
Hailey
Love this Kathleen, I am in a similar hurry up and wait situation. And I’m encouraged by your words. Thank you, and congratulations!!! ❤️
Thank you so so much for sharing! I needed this today since I just had another round of bloodwork done this morning. Hoping for some answers and good news, but helps to know others are in the same boat. Love how you shared that the baby will be a perfect fit for us, and we’ll keep praying and waiting for that perfect rainbow babe ❤️
Thank you! This was such a wonderful reminder. We started trying for our third in August and got pregnant our first month only to find that I would miscarry on the same day my only living grandparent passed away. I like to think my grandmother is rocking my baby in the presence of Jesus. As easy as it was to get pregnant that first month, I thought it would be that simple again. I went through a fertility journey with my first and when he was 10 months, SURPRISE, I was pregnant with my second. Surely my path wouldn’t get rocky again. I have done well with calling out to God for peace, but sometimes it just helps to have others know what you are going through. This was lovely and today it was necessary for me to read. Thank you and congratulations on your new babe! Having two this close together is just wonderful!
This is really great advice. My fam is complete with 3 little girls but we had 5 losses to get there. It was excruciating. The waiting, the grieving, the medical/physical side to pregnancy loss…all was so hard. You really put so many helpful truths to words in this post. Thanks for sharing!
Kathleen!! Thank you so much for sharing your journey. It’s nice to hear about what happens behind the scenes of the insta highlight reel. Currently walking this road myself trying to conceive again after a tragic miscarriage one year ago. God is good and praise the lord for his new mercies every day. Praying and sending love to your soon-to-be family of 4!
Thank you for this!! I need to remember these. We are on the same path in our family right now. Love that you shared the things that helped you through the hard days! So happy for you and your family ❤️
First and foremost, congratulations on your growing family! I love that you are taking time to enjoy all these precious moments with your baby boy and your pregnancy. I know it is cliche, but you will look back years later and cherish these times. I have been a loyal follower of CBL for a while….I think you were living in SoCal when I discovered your blog 🙂 I wanted to take a moment and thank you for this post in particular and for introducing me to MHN; it couldn’t have come at a better moment. Although I LOVE your fashion and home posts (my husband can attest after seeing the Amazon deliveries), this one pulled me and my daughter (who is a sophomore premed student at UGA BTW) out of a serious funk! It is SO HARD to see your child in a place of struggle, overwhelmed and stressed and not be there to give her a big bear hug and tell her it IS going to be OK. These quotes were just what I needed… a small little way I could reach out each morning (when I know she grabs her phone to check her socials/texts etc) and give her a little “kiss” to start her day.
I blogged for a bit and know it can sometimes feel lonely and unplugged from your community, so I wanted to reach out and let you know that we are out here loving your posts, praying for you and your family, wishing you well and wellness! I have been on your road (UGA grad myself, husband an anesthesiologist, several moves, difficult pregnancies, blah, blah, blah), and in a few more months, the sweetness you will hold in your arms will all be worth it. So thanks for continuing to share; your thoughts and words often matter more than you can know!!
Good luck with the impending “nesting” that I’m sure you remember….a third trimester gem…no heavy furniture moving though, HAHA.
Best,
Rana
BTW…the aforementioned daughter, Lauren, nannied for newborn twins and a two year old if you ever in a pinch. She is currently living in the ADPi house. Happy to share her contact if you need it 😉
I needed to read this today! Thank you for sharing. I think this is GREAT advice no matter what season you are in at the moment. Congratulations to you and your family!